This is an exciting opportunity to join a fast-growing startup in the tech industry. We are looking for a passionate, talented ass-kisser who doesn’t sleep or talk back and has 17 years of experience. A computer science degree is not mandatory but you will be shot on sight if you do not have one. You will work in a fast-paced environment, where you will be expected to produce exactly 150 lines of code a day, according to crappy specifications written in Excel by a confused boomer. We are hiring for 17 seniority levels from mega junior to expert senior. All of them will be strictly prohibited to make any code design suggestions, except for of course our senior plus expert engineers, whose wisdom you will have to cherish daily.
What we do
Our bespoke architecture is composed of infinite microservices deployed on a gazillion servers. Each microservice uses a different programming languages, except for our most critical ones which of course use Javascript. You will be working on our state-of-the-art AI-powered chatbot for unethical automation of creativity.
The interview process
Our advanced interview process consists of three stages. Stage one is an automated chatbot which will determine whether or not you are a culture fit with trick questions such as 'Should the beatings continue until morale improves?'. Stage two is an automated coding challenge consisting of problems unrelated to the job. You will have to enable remote camera access for us to see if you are cheating, and also if you have any non-technical books in your room, in which case you will be declared a bad engineer. If you manage to get to stage three you will talk to an actual human, who may offer you equity and a cookie to accept a lesser pay. If you look and talk like him and also pledge allegiance to the god of capitalism we may extend an offer in 1 - 17 business days.
Benefits
We value our employees’ wellbeing. We are remote all the time except for when we aren't. Every Tuesday we do yoga and you are allowed to leave before 8PM on holidays. Our office even has beds for when you are required to work late because someone accidentally clicked a button and our software broke. Our forced team buildings feature binge drinking and many other fun activities. When we are profitable in a million years each employee who has been with the company for more than 14 years will receive a day off.